SKIRMISHER

* Engineering consultancy firm Sweco actually calculated that Santa Claus must live in Kyrgyzstan and basically deliver gifts at lightning speed. Either Sweco has a lot of time on its hands or this is really a slow consultancy season.

* Babies can tell good people from bad. So avoid them at all cost!

* Merely living in your own house kills you slowly, subtly, surely, say homeless scientists.

* The White House has its own crack team of “apparatchiks” that believe the Earth is flat, climate change is a joke, and George Bush’s dick is what makes the world go round.

* Spirit Airlines’ “MILF promo” — naughty, naughty!

* Bickering zoo monkeys killed because they fight too much. Good thing humans aren’t in a zoo.

* “My dog ate my samurai sword” might be truthier than you think.

* Spot the bullshit: man who donated sperm must pay child support because his sperm actually became a kid.

* “Show Me a Man That Refuses a Free Burrito, and I’ll Show You a Man That Loves Al Queda”

* Lottie the sheep can unbolt gate locks with her tongue, can make women deliriously happy.

* The living dead.

* Dog that inherited $12 million receives death threats, flees in a private jet, presumably to a nice place where she ca let studs sniff her million-dollar ass at leisure.

* Dakota, the dino mummy.

Stumble it!