SKIRMISHER

Some men marry for love. Me, I’ll marry this lady in a heartbeat.

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There’s a healthy reason why God made all those wonderful breasts: they actually keep the doctor away.

The designers and manufacturer of the classic Erotica phone sincerely believe that there’s only one thing men want to do their entire lives, and that’s a vagina. And when they’re not doing a vagina, they will want to talk to a vagina in their spare time. Hence, the Erotica. There’s even some suited dude demonstrating how to properly use it, just in case you don’t know what the fuck.

What are you gonna do if your polar bears keep dying on you? Use robots!

A zoo somewhere, whose polar bear display has gone empty for some time because of the bears’ annoying habit of actually dying, has installed a family of robotic polar bears, to keep the kids interested and entertained, and, most importantly, not turned into polar bear dinner.

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Not to be dissuaded by the current impossibility of building a computer at par with that of a human brain, folks at IBM patted themselves in the back for at least making one as powerful as a cat’s cerebral cortex.

The computer has 147,456 processors (most modern PCs have just one or two processors) and 144 terabytes of main memory — 100,000 times as much as your computer has.

The scientists had previously simulated 40 percent of a mouse’s brain in 2006, a rat’s full brain in 2007, and 1 percent of a human’s cerebral cortex this year, using progressively bigger supercomputers.

The only downer is the caveat that said cat-brain computer isn’t actually to be used for a new human-enslaving race of robo-cats. Seriously, IBM, what’s your point?

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Not only does d’Armond Speers have a name like d’Armond fucking Speers, he’s also batshit crazy. Not only is he batshit crazy, there’s a method to it, which lasted 3 years: speaking to his son in nothing but Klingon, just to see if “he would acquire it like any human language.” And he’s excited upon finding out that, yeah, his son’s actually “acquiring” Klingon-speak, like a normal Klingon. Except when the kid grows up, eating his father’s heart and spitting out the hard parts for the cat to eat would be Klingon-y, too. Or something proper like that.

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A 15-year-old boy, who called up 911 to ask if his douchebag parents had any right to take away his Xbox, learns the bitter lesson that having your parents feed, clothe and shelter you actually give them rights to take away your toys. That’s not fair!

Maybe because, as nutshells go, the convenience of seeing lotsa things in a single glance is just, well, convenient! So if you want to apply that convenience to something long and hard and full of fun, like the Internet, feel free to hit this.

In the late 1960s, Philips commissioned Edward Ihnatowicz, so chosen because nobody could pronounce his name, to make a “something like a robot, like a giant, like something that could shrink people’s testicles when they see it” thing. Edward gave life to the instruction by making Senster, a robotic sculpture that “interacted” with visitors with its sound and movement sensors. It was controlled by a Philips P9201 computer with only 8K of core memory. The robot was installed at the company’s Evoluon showplace in Eindhoven between 1970 and 1974. Look at the kids of the 1970s react to it — they’re just like kids of today, only in hazy, grainy, sepia-toned footage! Whoa!

Like many accidental discoveries (such as Sildenafil citrate or Viagra being originally meant to treat angina, but instead has since been used on making the vagina happy. There’s a joke there somewhere), the drug Flibanserin was originally meant to fight depression. Tests showed it’s a stinking failure as an antidepressant, but boosted the libido of women. Godfuckingdammit that’s God working right the fuck there!

“It’s essentially a Viagra-like drug for women in that diminished desire or libido is the most common feminine sexual problem, like erectile dysfunction is in men,” reports John Thorp Jr., a principal investigator in the studies and the McAllister distinguished professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Medicine.

Well, it’s time this thing is distributed free to all your female friends! Just say it’s sugar.

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I’m not sure about what Condomi’s thinking, but the message of “fruit-flavored condoms taste so good, they just might eat it, condom and dick and all” isn’t exactly going to make me want to buy this. Best case scenario: teeth burn.

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The anonymous person using the pseudonym Belle de Jour whose best-selling stories about how to lead a secret life as a prostitute and influence people turns out to be research scientist Brooke Magnanti, a specialist in developmental neurotoxicology and cancer epidemiology in a hospital research group in Bristol and whose “hot” prostitute-y picture appears below.

Running out of money to finish her PhD thesis in 2003, Magnanti turned to prostitution through a London escort agency, charging £300 an hour. She wasn’t absolutely unemployable, as she also had another job as a computer programmer. But she continued with prostitution because “it was so much more enjoyable.”

Kids, remember that! So you know what you wanna be when you grow up!

In China, highly meticulous cooks just don’t want their food dead. Like this fish, which apparently has been “deep-fried” but somehow kept alive by Chinese voodoo magic shit, or something.

The 900Global RC bowling ball is your bestfriend in the bowling lane if you’re retarded and you just want to freak out the old lady in the other lane who thinks she’s The Jesus from the Big Lebowski. Hah! That’ll teach her.

Legendary LA graffiti writer, publisher and activist Tony Quan, aka TEMPTONE, has ALS since 2003, which has left him almost completely paralyzed, except for his eyes, and maybe an eyebrow he could raise once in a while at annoying people. So an international team of die-hard building graffiti aficionados, and everyone else, have been working to enable people like Tony to continue drawing, using their eyes, inexpensively, easily. The project is called EyeWriter now; next time, with death rays, would be a lot cooler.

Just days after releasing its new “Go” programming language, Google is getting much flak for using the same name as another programming language by Francis McCabe and Keith Clark. McCabe: “I do not have a trademark on my language. It was intended as a somewhat non-commercial language in the tradition of logic programming languages. It is in the tradition of languages like Prolog. In particular, my motivation was bringing some of the discipline of software engineering to logic programming.”

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Never resting to cook up even more creative ways to care for the things they deeply love, Japanese inventors made these USB breast warmer, because nothing’s more important than sufficiently warmed breasts! If they’re not warm, who would want them? You just plug this pad into any USB port on your computer, stick the pad in your bra, and that’s it — warm boobs! Why wear a sweater when you have this USB breast warmer, right?

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