SKIRMISHER

This guy’s name is Joseph Dobbie. He’s in love with a girl named Kate Winsall. I presume Kate’s a nice girl, but even a nice girl like her would at least blow coffee out her nose upon reading a “love email” that must make Shakepeare crawl out of his grave to pen a soap opera, slit his wrists, and gasp, “Death to saccharine!”

What dear Joseph sent Kate was not a magnificent flourish of time-honored KISS (keep it simple, stupid), but a rambling, wobbling, crashing, falling-apart electronic missive that, although sweet, was creepy on the edges.

All right, it’s a given that we all fall in love and get silly. But I have to give Joseph some credit for being patently, hilariously stalker-like in a time that when people think of stalkers, they think of serial killers. It turned out, Kate thought so, too–so she forwarded the “love email” to her sister just for kicks, and the next thing you know, the said email has circulated ’round the globe.

Now, the important Shakepearean question is: Is shit really brown?

The full text of Joseph Dobbie’s email:

“Hello Kate, It’s Joe - we met at Andrew’s party. I hope you don’t mind me getting your e-mail address from the e-mail that Andy sent to us all; it is a bit sneaky of me.

“It was wonderful to meet you on Saturday, and I wonder if you would consider meeting me for coffee sometime; maybe at the Tate Modern? OK. This is where my common sense is telling me to stop? keep it simple and positive Joe.

“And the probability of me listening to that voice? Experience has taught me that it is not worth putting up a fight; I will end up giving in to the part of me that never wants to find itself shaking its head and muttering ‘if only?’

“This is the part where I throw caution to the wind; the part where I listen to my heart and remember that I should live my life as an exultation and revel in the opportunity to try; the part where I refuse to apologise for who I am; the part where I trust that the lady I met on Saturday night is, as I suspect, able to see sincerity where others would see cliche.

“I am fortunate enough to have been able to collect a number of special memories. They are memories of moments that made any struggle leading up to them worthwhile. They are memories of moments when I am struck by something so beautiful, time stands still and all of the ugliness in the world ceases to exist.

“Your smile is the freshest of my special memories. Regardless of whether we see each other again, I will use it as I do my other special memories. I will call on it when I am disheartened or low.

“I will hold it in my heart when I need inspiration. I will keep it with me for moments when I need to find a smile of my own.

“I am unsure of all my motives for sharing this with you and, if I am honest, not ready to examine them too closely. However, I know that it makes me feel good to believe that maybe, if you are ever upset, knowing that I will be keeping your smile alive might help you through.

“If you are half as intelligent and aware as I believe you to be, I am sure that you will find what I have written, in the very least, sweet. If I am twice as lucky as I would dare to hope, you will find this note charming and agree to contact me and arrange a date.

“Either way, I trust that your reply will be candid - you told me how much you value honesty. One last thing, I promise that it is enormously rare for me to stray as far from sobriety as I managed on Saturday night. Be safe. Joe.”

RAMBLING ROMEO’S SOPPY EMAIL IS SENT ROUND THE GLOBE [Daily Mail]

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