SKIRMISHER

Hispanophobes, true patriots of the Philippines, those who firmly believe that Spain didn’t do anything good to your country, do yourselves and your country a favor and STOP EATING SPANISH FOOD! That would be a very patriotic thing to do, dontcha guys think?

First, start scrapping paella from your family recipe. We all know that those bad old Spaniards brought it here in the Philippines and passed it on to our chefs. Now that’s a bad sign. If you hate your enemy, don’t eat what they eat. Or you’ll become like them.

Next Spanish food we have to dump is, sad to say, a classic Filipino favorite — adobo (from adobado), inspired by Spanish and Mexican dishes. Besides, adobo irritably rhymes with Arroyo.

And don’t ever mention nor even dare think about that embutido anymore. It’s so appalling that those Spanish missionaries would bring such phallic symbols to your innocent shores.

And the pigs, the pigs, the poor suckling pigs!!! Are they all destined to die before they even reach their second year? Those mean Spaniards taught your race to become heartless animal killers by teaching you the art of preparing lechón de leche. I mean, come on! If you already have laws against the murder of our canine friends, why can’t you do the same with pigs? Besides, them Muslims could be right after all: the Biblical devils could still be inside those oinkers. So I’d suggest that you convert to Islam also. At least, that would save you from Catholicism, another Spanish curse. Anyways, dont you have enough source of meat all around you? How about cows? What about goats? What about pythons and the chicken-flavored bayauac? Besides, cows don’t give out  a shrill scream when you butcher them. So stick to cows and, to paraphrase Lennon, give pigs a chance.

Not even mechado is saved. Unfortunately, dear Filipinos, it’s a Spanish loan-recipe. So out with it also. ¡El mechado debería ser echado! Out out OUT!!!

Throw away everything Spanish! If you’re too honorable not to bite the hand that feeds you, just throw everything away! Arrozcaldo, champorado, afritada, asado, pan de sal, bizcocho, OUT, you should say! ¡Afuera! Even kare-kare, dinengdéng, sinigáng, pinacbét, and nilagà should be shown the kitchen door. Although they’re not Castilian, their ingredients –sampaloc, patata, repollo, tomate, chayote, rábano, zanahoria, guisantes, etc.– they’re all brought here by the wicked Spanish to nourish the land and the inhabitants. Oh, how evil can that be!

Good thing you still have the Chinese who gave you… pancit…?

Egad! Even pancit is Spanish! Dear, dear, DEAR!!!

Observe:

pan, bread (Spanish) + chit, to eat (Chinese) = PANCÍT

And the Spaniards show no mercy with their guyaba, melocotón, melón, sandía, piña, pepino… oh the cursed list goes on and on…

Those evil Spaniards are every where! Not even showing an ounce of respect to Filipino cuisine.

But Filipino cuisine is Spanish…

What the?! Even cocina is Spanish!

There is no escape.

Oh, well. Just raise the white flag. At least, you indios bravos can still go home in peace and plant camote.

-GASP!- even camote was imported by the Spaniards.

See? See? Now what do you hispanophobes feel? You feel hungry now, right? ¡Tenéis hambre! And so you are correct – the Spanish are out to make you hungry! Why, they never brought you tasty burgers and greasy fries like what the North Americans did. Did those greedy Spaniards give you the likes of McDonald’s and Burger King? Hell, no! These fastfood restaurants, aside from milking your pockets clean due to their products’ exorbitant prices –thus getting rid of your mind extra load– they will also give you extreme amounts of cholesterol in order for you to MEET YOUR MAKER the soonest possible time. And since your pockets are milked clean, then that means less headaches before you die! How benign, eh?

Darn, you guys need a break. Here, have some coff…

Oh, no…

What the heck! Just take one last look at these hypocritical Spanish-Filipino eatables.

Just be content with what you truly have: arroz. 

Eeep.

Don’t falter! Throw away everything that has a taste of Spain, and you’ll never go hungry again.

Eeep again.

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