SKIRMISHER

* Mass Effect, a futuristic space adventure published by Microsoft Corp., has been banned in Singapore because a female Earthling fucks a female alien in-game, which everybody knows is twice as bad for the human race as gay sex is. Microsoft should have just used an octopus like normal people do.

* Meet Pony, which is actually an orangutan and not a bastard horse. And she’s a prostitute: “You could choose a human if you preferred, but it was a novelty for many of the men to have sex with an orangutan.”

* Sydney, Australia orders all Santas not to do the “Ho! Ho! Ho!” laugh because it’s “degrading to women.” Welcome the all-new non-laughing, dead-silent Santas to cheer kids up.

* Gerald A. Rocchi, fierce stapler robber. And his total and unconditional love for ice cream.

* Fourth-grade substitute teacher shows students what a nice vagina looks like: her own.

* So cute, you’ll gag. Then you’ll laugh. Then you’ll hug your mother.

Stumble it!