SKIRMISHER

* A large vibrating dildo ending up deep in your ass is more common than you think.

* Unbelievable shit about Shaolin monks you won’t see anywhere else.

* John Fitzgerald Page, the “worst person in the world,” makes a desperate attempt to dig a flower-covered ditch with his penis. Figuratively speaking.

* Chasing the fierce, hardened, noncompromising diaper thieves: “You want these diapers, you have to kill me first!”

* Wal-Mart will squeeze every drop of blood out of you and smear your brains on a wall. And oh, it will stomp on your puppy to death with a high-heeled shoe.

“Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to have sex with that fence.”

* Cat with three eyes, two faces, and the kind of tongue-licking only a mother could love.

* “Say, how would you like swapping your website with my grenade launcher?”

* London’s Police must create a mascot that is not “too white, too male.” Something that looks like the Flying Spaghetti Monster with a cute accent might do.

* The secret behind the fattest, tastiest turkeys? Buckets of beer.

Stumble it!