SKIRMISHER

• You know what’s much, much better than that monkey peeing into its own mouth above? It’s President George Bush pardoning himself for potential war crimes.

• Feliberto Carrasco is a man who just wouldn’t die.

• The New York Times shows you what you’ve always wanted to see but didn’t know where to look: a female circumcision ceremony.

• So how and where do luxury cruise ships dump those tons of shit-laden waste again?

• Alice, Texas mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez will give up her very exciting life just to keep the puppy she’s stolen.

• New York cops find a dying man, so they (a) immediately perform life-saving stuff; (b) call ambulance; (c) crack “So how does it feel” jokes about dying man.

• Thanks to this new encryption software, Islamic militants can have great peace of mind when plotting to blow shit up.

• Xiang Chen, the man who paints, plays the piano, using his eye balls.

• God’s eye-view: how folks up in heaven saw those exciting Biblical events.

• For virgin guys, things you should know about sex. We’re talking about human females.

• British anglers capture live 100-year-old fish, and promptly kill it. Hooray!

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