SKIRMISHER

James Van Iveren, gallant knight and savior of whoever screams like a girl, barged into his neighbor’s apartment with a sword in hand upon hearing a princess screaming for help  — only to discover the screams were coming from a porn DVD.

Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman “screaming for help,” grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.

“I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened,” he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

Van Iveren would not have gotten into this trouble if only he remembered to recite the Medieval version of the Miranda warning, which we helpfully summarize as: “Dragon, you have the right to spit out that princess you just swallowed.”

Stumble it!