SKIRMISHER

Never ever tell your friends that Procter & Gamble is actually a coven of satanists that eat Christian babies (as indicated by its old logo), instead of being the world’s largest manufacturer of consumer products, because that would upset them. And upsetting Procter & Gamble, as found out by former Amway distributor Randy Haugen and his bunch of naughty rumor-loving friends, is worse than actually being sodomized by Satan himself.

Procter & Gamble Co. has won a jury award of $19.25 million in a civil lawsuit filed against four former Amway distributors accused of spreading false rumors linking the company to Satanism to advance their own business.

“This is about protecting our reputation,” Jim Johnson, P&G’s chief legal officer, said in a statement Monday. “We will take appropriate legal measures when competitors unfairly undermine the reputation of our brands or our company.”

The former Amway distributors thought they’d be exonerated and were shocked by the jury’s verdict late Friday, said Randy L. Haugen, one of the defendants.

“It’s hard to imagine they’d pursue it this long, especially after all the retractions we put out,” said Haugen, a 53-year-old Ogden, Utah, businessman who maintained P&G was never able to show how it was harmed by the rumors. “We are stunned. All of us.”

For more on the “Procter & Gamble supports the Church of Satan” urban legend, click here.

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