SKIRMISHER

Hi. I’m a professional screenwriter. Professional in the sense that I pay my bills with money someone gives me in exchange for writing them a movie, such as the esteemed milestones National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 1, 2 and 3. “Professional,” bytheby, is also the term seasoned Johns use for whores. So I’ve overheard.

As a sexy ‘pro,’ aspiring writers often ask me for advice while I’m drunk at parties and happy to blather at them with boozy enthusiasm. But I only have one genuine and practical pearl of wisdom, which I’ll gladly share with you now, slightly buzzed:

Sell out. Ahead of time. Embrace it.

Nothing will stall – possibly even kill – your fledgling creative career like pointless idealism. Dump that shit at the California customs checkpoint along with the fruit you had in your car.

From “I, Whore: A Beginner’s Guide To Selling Out”

{Image: The Spinal Tap}

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