SKIRMISHER

Doug Williams hopes that his currently very important body part, his single 5-inch nipple hair, gives him ever-lasting fame.

On Saturday, the Williamsburg resident will have the hair officially measured and logged by the folks from the Guinness Book of World Records, who believe Williams’s follicular feat may be the greatest on the planet.

“It’s mostly a genetic gift,” said the 25-year-old, adding that he suspects — though this can’t be proven scientifically — that the hair’s unusual length has something to do with his habit of eating at least one cheeseburger every day (alas, he’ll never make the Guinness Book for that).

“I am not attempting this record for the money,” he said. “It is enough for me to know that I have inspired an entire generation of young people to grow long body hairs and achieve their own dreams.”

Doug has truly inspired us; now we’re pondering the fate of some of our own ass hair and we’re thinking: “This ass hair will one day change the lives of millions.” It just makes us all feel so mushy inside.

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