SKIRMISHER

A still unidentified man barged into the kitchen of London’s Zizzi pizza restaurant, took a huge knife, jumped on a table, and hacked off his own penis. The restaurant staff, although very much impressed with the man’s display of selfless loyalty, refused to toss the severed penis among the toppings for a special hastily-cooked pepperoni pan pizza. Oh, the humanity.

Restaurant staff called the police, who had to subdue the man with CS gas, before taking him to hospital. They also picked up the severed penis, put it on ice, and gave it to doctors.

A spokesman for St Thomas’s Hospital, where the man was taken, confirmed that doctors had attempted to re-attach the organ – but would not say if the procedure had been successful. It is thought to be the first time in Britain that a penis has been sewn back on,

Police are still trying to identify the man, who was not carrying any form of identification on him. A source told The Sun: ‘We believe he’s Polish and 35. We don’t know if he has a history of mental illness, but he’s clearly not a well boy.’

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