SKIRMISHER

It’s a fact of our dark, perverted human lives that some people will really develop sexually charged affection for stuff they use everyday. Like, you know, cars and shit. Not us, though. But for those special few who do, here’s some snippets of “Having Sex With Cars: The Tutorial” we’ve yanked from Jalopnik.

‘Having sex with a car’. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to
mean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you
have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe.

The long answer is much more involved, including techniques,
precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from
screwing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe.

The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out.
So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus.

First we will deal with some cautions you should know about.

In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should
therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe.

If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short)
period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the
tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will
cool off faster than the engine, so you don’t have long to wait. I call
screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, “fucking the car hot”. Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once.

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