SKIRMISHER

Lonesome George is a “charismatic” Pinta tortoise, his species the rarest of the rare, and for decades, fund raisers and other caring members of humanity have strived to give him a mate. In 1993, they found one — a 26-year-old graduate student in zoology from Switzerland named Sveva Grigioni. Sveva, it would turn out, was just there to give him handjobs.

By coating her hands in the genital secretions of female tortoises and gently stroking him, she managed to demonstrate a couple of times (in the course of several months’ work) that George was capable of an erection. But whereas her touch could induce other male tortoises to reach orgasm within a few minutes, with George she never managed to collect any sperm.

Her ministrations — or maybe it was the pheromones in the secretions — did seem to pique George’s interest in the female tortoises, as Ms. Grigioni reported to Henry Nicholls, the author of the definitive new biography, “Lonesome George: The Life and Loves of a Conservation Icon.” But George’s temporary interest did not translate into performance.

“He started to try copulation,” Ms. Grigioni said, “but it was like he didn’t really know how to.”

That’s a reason why we all secretly want to be a goddamn tortoise.

The complete story of Lonesome George here.

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