In a world awash with fat, greasy Internet-adoring dudes, these “hot chicks” leave a smoldering wake of either uniqueness, intellect, or just irresistible sex appeal that make our dicks subconsciously nod in assent to whatever piece they’ve offered us. Ladies and gentlemen, here are the seven women you should know when you’re sloshing through the cesspool we lovingly call the interwebs.
7. Melissa Lafsky. Controversial blogger, non-practicing attorney, and seriously, one hell of a “very arousing” writer.
Why she’s hot: Her Opinionistas blog, initially written anonymously until the need to attach a pretty face and bod to that voice became so hard to resist, started as “sniper-accurate takedowns of callous law firm society and Manhattan’s twisted cultural conventions.” The block of text featured by Gawker in April 2005, which would catapult her into blogging fame and change her career path, has become a classic.
In my short time at several prestigious New York firms, I have witnessed enough bad lawyer behavior to fill a full season of reality TV. Partners hurling f-bombs, staplers and Blackberrys at cringing subordinates, sleep-deprived mid-level associates screaming at paralegals to recopy massive boxes of documents in thirty minutes or else file for unemployment, male partners engaging in the full gamut of “inappropriate workplace touching” of young female employees, all before the morning coffee break.
Several months later, the “mysterious” Opinionista would turn out to be Melissa, much to the delight of fans who had always fantasized about some sort of beauty-and-brains affirmation, which Melissa naturally provided. Now she’s so much into the spin of all things new media, working as editor at Freakonomics, which also makes her a New York Times baby. And oh, that old blog that started it all? It is now widely syndicated around the web.
6. Wendy Cheng. The Singaporean blogger also known as Xiaxue.
Why she’s hot: Delightfully narcissistic, lusciously bitchy, and very attractive, Wendy Cheng is probably like a drug you both hate and love. Starting her Xiaxue blog sometime in the halcyon days of 2003, Wendy has since become a sort of celebrity — often featured on Singaporean media, winning in various blogging awards, even starring in her own reality television show called Girls Out Loud. What’s more, the “free nose job” she had received from a couple of plastic surgeons due to her success as a blogger, which was then featured on Girls Out Loud, probably earned her the unprecedented achievement of opening up a new blogger clientele for shamelessly enterprising plastic surgeons.
Known for being overly defensive when it comes to criticism, trolls love annoying her just for the fun of seeing her getting pissed and firing off her now-famous expletives. But Wendy soldiers on, continuously writing about heartbreakingly genius-level stuff like pink things, pink rooms, horrible pieces of blogging turd, and how absolutely no one will ever have access to her friends’ vaginas. Except her. So who wouldn’t love this chick?
5. Veronica Belmont: Because she’s so hot, we keep reading “boobs” in CNET’s Buzz Out Loud. For some reason.
Why she’s hot: Ah, Veronica. She’s the kind of gorgeous girl you get when you’re the editor-in-chief of something so fucking cool like Engadget.
Aside from giving us the heebie-jeebies (the pleasant kind) for tinkering with things normally ravaged by male nerds (you don’t usually see lovely women holding our kind of toys), she had delighted us in the long-running Buzz Out Loud, and is currently (it has been reported) producing her own daily video show for a new “human-powered search engine” called Mahalo. As a not-very-cheerful aside, she co-hosted with the late James Kim what would be the dude’s last CRAVE Gadget video in November 2006.
4. Amanda Congdon: The face that inspired lots of wannabe video blogs.
Why she’s hot: Amanda first came into our dry lives as the host of Rocketboom, regaling daily viewers of the site with her totally magnetic smile, her delicious wit, visions (imaginary or otherwise) of her immaculate rack, and the way she gesticulated her often intense feelings — not necessarily in that order.
After leaving (or being fired from) Rocketboom after a spat with the site’s co-founder Andrew Baron in June 2006 (stupid move, Andrew), she has moved on to doing other things: a travel web thing, hosting an ABC video podcast, and promoting products on teevee — none of which involves our hoped-for nudity, but eyeball-worthy, nevertheless.
3. Tania Derveaux: The Belgian youth’s “fuck you” to local politics.
Why she’s hot: Tania was the candidate for the Senate by the quasi-political party called NEE (which means “No” in Dutch, we’ve been told). NEE’s mission is to express dissatisfaction with local Belgian politics and to demonstrate — if they actually win — that many people share their sentiments. Tania, as lead candidate for the Senate, became deliciously controversial with her naked ad promising 400,000 jobs. When bloggers responded by “demanding” (quite predictably) “blowjobs” instead of “real jobs” (because, hey, we all live in our mother’s basements), NEE’s PR meisters created a special “Blowjob Request Form” on their website through which people can have a chance to get one of the 40,000 blowjobs Tania was supposedly offering. Naughty, naughty.
NEE didn’t win in the elections, but the memory of Tania’s stunt has already been burned in our brains.
2. Hairong Tiantian. Chinese artist and model who has the knack for turning people’s heads in her direction.
Why she’s hot: Chinese babe, artist, and we’d love to think stripper Hairong Tiantian tried collecting thousands of photos of men’s flaccid penises several months ago. And was she ignored by self-respecting penis owners everywhere? Hell, no. The eager fuckers sent contributions — by the thousands. And when she eventually found herself in possession of about 2000 photos of limp dicks in various funny colors, she declared, “Penis worship is exaggerated.” Nothing is heard of again about her supposed “art exhibit” that was supposed to feature all those images, but recently, she was seen shacking up with another artist in a glass house.
More images of Hairong Tiantian:
1. Allison Stokke: The teenaged pole-vaulting sensation who suddenly popped up to fill the gaping void in our online lives. And yeah, she’s number 1.
Why she’s hot: Allison’s a pretty young thing that also happens to know a thing or two about “vaulting poles,” so yeah she has all the necessary components that push all the right nasty buttons of the male-dominated interwebs. Her subsequently bountiful blog linkage following that “groundbreaking” With Leather post was so awesome it’s like watching the Red Sea part in half, only the Red Sea we so sappily use here is peppered with bits of profound commentary flotsam like, “I will so bone her.”
It’s not surprising, then, that Allison and her family came to hate whatever sort of popularity the interwebs has heaped on her (speaking about it in this video, for instance). But it later turned out, Allison’s gallant father was also among the proud, card-bearing fap-fap-fapping generation of horny, malicious dudes who would probably leer at her if only Allison were not his daughter. But no matter. Allison Stokke has made our lives brighter than ever, but even more so when she hopefully further ripens — both as an athlete (yeah, we care sooo much about pole vaulting now) and as a woman — in the years to come.