SKIRMISHER

There are a thousand types of farts. Can you break down a few for our readers?

My personal favorites are the Chuck Yeager, the Saigon, and the SBD.

What’s the Chuck Yeager?

They, of course, break the sound barrier. This is the kind that after you rip it, you are completely amazed at yourself, wondering where all that gas fit inside your organs—especially if you are on the little side like me. These farts often have accompanying pain and necessitate a shorts check. They are usually either pointed and sharp sounding or long and bassy. I’ve done an eight-second-long Chuck Yeager fart in jeans that almost knocked me over. It’s in one of my videos. In high school I did a Yeager when I was hanging out with my friends on this big grassy hill on campus. Everyone turned around and looked—this is a hill that is like 100 yards from one side to the other—and I acted all shocked and turned to my best friend Leah and yelled “Leah! That’s gross!” She never forgave me for that.

What about the Saigon?

If you’ve ever heard Vietnamese people speak, you’ll notice that they have some interesting sounds that we really don’t make as English speakers. Viet language is multitonal, with lots of guh gu gu guh buk buh buk aww! glottal stops and ups and downs in tones. These farts are like what you would hear if you went to a community meeting in Saigon, or in some Vietnamese community and all the members were pissed off about something, like thugs breaking into their Toyota Camrys. These farts often come out first as a high-pitched airy squeak, then continue on to some kind of machine-gun sounds, then a pig squeal, then a long chunky groan. They are often the funniest because you’re like, “When did my ass learn to speak Vietnamese?”

SBD is Silent but Deadly. Right?

Yes. I hate to be cliché, but these are the best because they are your little secret. These are the kind that you let out little by little because you think if you just push it out it might be a Chuck Yeager. Sometimes they’re kind of wet. But then it just snakes out, slowly lisping and you can feel all the air between your cheeks. Then about two seconds later you’re trying to run away from yourself. These are good at the grocery store, the gym, or in the car with a friend (awesome). An SBD in church would be funny too. I do them all the time in ballet class, and sometimes it’s hard to get away from the smell because I’m at the barre doing exercises. I’ve never confirmed whether the girl behind me has ever smelled them but… she has to have. I know she hates me.

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