SKIRMISHER

Mad scientist/inventor Matthias Wandel one day found a wasp nest in his property. And naturally, like any ordinary person, he made this wasp-sucking machine that, uhh, sucks wasps. Now he has a glass box full of wasps, and who wouldn’t be happy with that? I love wasps!

In an interview with Playboy, James Cameron cuts the crap and reveals all that fancy-schmanzy Avatar-related CGI mumbo-jumbo is all about making the perfect tits for Zoe Saldana’s character Neytiri:

CAMERON: Right from the beginning I said, “She’s got to have tits,” even though that makes no sense because her race, the Na’vi, aren’t placental mammals. I designed her costumes based on a taparrabo, a loincloth thing worn by Mayan Indians. We go to another planet in this movie, so it would be stupid if she ran around in a Brazilian thong or a fur bikini like Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.

PLAYBOY: Are her breasts on view?
CAMERON: I came up with this free-floating, lion’s-mane-like array of feathers, and we strategically lit and angled shots to not draw attention to her breasts, but they’re right there. The animation uses a physics-based sim that takes into consideration gravity, air movement and the momentum of her hair, her top. We had a shot in which Neytiri falls into a specific position, and because she is lit by orange firelight, it lights up the nipples. That was good, except we’re going for a PG-13 rating, so we wound up having to fix it. We’ll have to put it on the special edition DVD; it will be a collector’s item. A Neytiri Playboy Centerfold would have been a good idea.

[motion-captured rendition of Zole Saldana's Neytiri: yep, those blue boobs took up hundreds of people and a looong time to perfectl meet James Cameron's specs.]

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In a study of 515 brain tumor and multiple sclerosis patients, researchers found that men are assholes.

Microsoft’s search engine, Bing, will now be integrating search results from that cool “computational knowledge engine” Wolfram Alpha. Because, you know, Microsoft will just buy anything and everything just to make Google stop existing. Except Google is, like, sooo un-buy-able. Last July, Microsoft bought Yahoo!, sort of, and it’s still doing more integrative stuff, like integrating Twitter and Facebook and whatever else is fancy out there. Soon, Microsoft will become a really successful, huge company! Just like Google!

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Just when you thought the left-handed stranger is all you’d ever be in your sad, sad life, you see these very helpful suggestions. Ain’t life so rich?

Meanwhile, in the 1970s, when people were not having sex, or watching TV, they play board games, like this:

The exciting new indoor sport for people who love people. Orgy begins by choosing up sides (delightful custom) and centers around the “Porron” (translation: “to pour it on) filled with your favorite libation. Object of the game is to see which team achieves the longest trajectory for the longest time with the fewest spills.

Hugh Hefner knows how much you’d kill to be in his pussy-humping shoes. He knows that so much that he doesn’t care his autobiography, released in September, is sold for $1300, which is like the value of a billion zillion actual Playboy magazines combined. Or three relatively cheap laptops. Or a surrogate grandmother who can occupy your porch and tell you stories while you stare at goats. But back to Hef’s autobio: it comes in six volumes, with 700 pages of “autobiographical text about Hef’s youth, army days, first attempts as a cartoonist, early career, girlfriends, and Playboy’s launch, illustrated by original Hefner artwork and cartoons, correspondence, and a huge selection of archival photos, many previously unpublished.” And who knows, maybe hidden in the folds of one of those 1500 limited edition copies is Hef’s advice on, uhh, true love!

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Oh, the cat-manity: “In several cases, pet animals (most often cats) have successfully been “enrolled” in suspected diploma mills in order to investigate or demonstrate the fraudulent nature of the degrees issued by those institutions.” Take, for example, Colby Nolan, housecat, and MBA degree holder.

Papayas come in three sexes: male, female, and hermaphrodite. Of the three, only hermaphrodites are useful — they’re the ones whose fruit you actually eat. But the males and females get in the way of total hermaphrodite domination, so biology professor Ray Ming, who just can’t stand it, is working on a $3.1-million grant to make sure only hermaphrodites see the light of day… Uhh, we’re still talking about the fruit, aren’t we?

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From being a vagina doctor in Cuba to selling “pussy magnets” in the US, this Cuban gynecologist has come a long way.

This video contains Chinese girls with inexplicably big boobs… inexplicably, that is, until you see that little air pump button.

Oh, what a cute and breathtaking sight to behold a skinned mammal is!

From Grant Cornet’s “Nature Morte”

Thoughtful enough to actually issue a “disclaimer” that basically says “This doesn’t fucking work,” the makers of this dinosaur-shaped condom thought “Hey, what should we give to crusty old sexual fossils?” and decided the literal answer is the best answer. I know some people who would kill to have this on their wang.

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Don Ivan Punchatz designed the whole packaging and promotional materials for the video game Doom. He died of a heart attack on Oct. 11.

Natalie Dylan’s one-year saga of hawking the privilege of popping her cherry to anyone with a truckload of cash has now at last come near its conclusion:

“I feel good; it’s been over a year,” Natalie exclusively tells TheFABlife of her auction coming to a close. Life for Natalie has been quite a rollercoaster since she and Dennis kicked off the bidding on Howard Stern in September of 2008. After the announcement, a media circus followed, she joked that Barack Obama would be her ideal winner, and bidding for Natalie’s virginity reached up to $3.8 million, followed by offers for book and movie deals. After the highest bidder, an Australian businessman, reconciled with his estranged wife and pulled out of the auction, it now looks as though the deal is about to be done for $1 million.

For $1 million, that pussy better come with a free CIA-trained squirrel!

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A German company called Vivaeros has launched a scent, Vulva Original. Nope, it’s NOT a perfume, just the “irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina.” Apparently, there’s a healthy consumer market consisting of people who want their fingers smelling of “sensuous vagina” all the time, anywhere they go, or wherever the need for a whiff of healthy pussy strikes them. We already wrote about this a couple of years ago, but this new link has pics!

Made of meat loaf, ketchup, onions and cheese, this “meat hand” comes handy for whatever pagan food fest you engage in.

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