SKIRMISHER

How Coke and Pepsi guard their “secret recipe” is pretty dramatic, played everyday along the lines of a finely crafted, suspenseful gameplan that involves a recalcitrant bank vault, the top two executives never riding on the same aircraft, lots of love for sweet, tasty beverages, and sweeping disregard for a long, healthy life.

It’s recently matched only by India’s highest court’s own flair for drama. After the Centre for Science and Environment found high levels of pesticides in Pepsi and Coke product samples, the country’s Supreme Court was just too happy to give the cola companies the “show me your stuff, or else” kind of ultimatum.

The report, published on Wednesday, caused a row in India’s lower house, where MPs from across the political spectrum brandished its findings as reason enough to ban the sale of Coca-Cola and Pepsi. “These companies are playing with the lives of millions and we can’t ignore such warnings any more,” said Vijay Kumar Malhotra, from the main opposition Bharatiya Janata Party, which staged a walkout over the issue .

It is not the first time Coca-Cola and Pepsi have found themselves mired in controversy in India. They are regular whipping boys for politicians who regard Western food products as a threat to Indian heritage, although sceptics suggest that their opposition has more to do with the companies’ virtual monopoly of the market than genuinely held feelings of cultural protectionism.

The US companies joined forces through the Indian Soft Drink Manufacturers’ Association to reject the findings of the study. “Consumer safety is paramount to us,” they said. “The soft drinks manufactured in India comply with stringent international norms and all applicable national regulations.”

The Bureau of Indian Standards, the highest government body to maintain product quality certification, has set a pesticide standard for bottled water but not for soft drinks.

Insecticides? No, Coke and Pepsi would not relent to a tale woven around some corny stuff like insect killers. Maybe it would take India some other study that determines the presence of severed fingers of babies in cans of diet soda—now that would be bad and fattening. And everybody knows, especially in the First World, that fat is evil, like finding snakes on a motherfucking plane.

COKE AND PEPSI TOLD TO SPILL SECRETS OR FACE BAN [The Times]

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