SKIRMISHER

Tired of seeing squirrels getting laid while the humans aren’t getting any, park and city officials in Santa Monica, California have decided to impose a birth control program on the squirrels.

Since 1998, Santa Monica has been cited five times by Los Angeles County for squirrel overpopulation. But the suppression methods it has used, including euthanasia, have angered animal-loving activists.

City officials say the infertility shots offer a diplomatic solution.

The vaccine, developed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, stops ovulation and lactation in female squirrels, and testicular development in males. The shots, running $2 to $10, have no side effects such as swelling, said James Gionfriddo, a USDA wildlife biologist.

To quickly follow this birth control program will be a smear campaign to dissolve public sympathy, where park officials will put on convincing squirrel suits and maul women and children, hopefully as a preemptive strike against animal activists who might crazily insist squirrels are actually small mammals that live somewhere around trees and eat nothing but small brown things.

Stumble it!