SKIRMISHER

Just as when we’re drafting our own rejoinder to an earlier love letter for North Korea’s strongman, some seasoned bullshitmeister at Cracked beats us to it. So we have no choice but to stop pretending we could do something funnier than this “proofread letter” and content ourselves in teasing you with some blockquotes we think capture well the typical “verbal abuse” any White House missive might contain.

So this is supposedly a “draft” of Bush’s letter for Kim Jong-Il, with the proofreader’s very helpful comments.

Dear Kim Jong-Il,

What’s up, not much. (This is a very confusing greeting. Are you asking him what’s up and then answering the question for him? Are you anticipating him wanting to know what’s up with you, so you are prematurely answering the question? If that is the case, ‘not much’ would not be an accurate answer, being as how you’re about to discuss a major world crisis. Regardless, this is far too informal of a greeting to send a brutal dictator with whom you are supposed to be angry.)

A bunch of people told me you got a nuclear bomb. That’s cool, we got him too (bombs are not gender specific) . Did you ever see World War Too (incorrect spelling)? That one big bomb was us (dropped by us) . In case you don’t know which one I’m talking about it’s that one that we dropped back when it was black and white outside. (First change; get rid of the ‘a bunch of people told me…’ This information did not come to you through the rumor mill. Second, the whole reason you’re writing this letter is to point out that you are not happy that North Korea has the bomb, remember? Therefore, it would not be considered ‘cool’ by you that he has a nuclear weapon. Third, he is well aware that the United States has nuclear weapons, so you’re not telling him anything new. I would also get rid of all of the references to World War II. I’m sure he knows about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but just so you know, it was never ‘black and white outside.’ The footage you see is black and white because it was shot before the days of color film.)

Wait a second!!!! It is not cool that you have a bomb!!! Not cool!! Who taught you how to make it?! Was it President Clintin???? (spelling error/over-punctuation). Did you here (incorrect spelling) about him and the cable girl when he was president? They totally did stuff together in the White House, where I live! Oh, did you here (incorrect spelling, again) about that one congress guy and those pages? Like, not like paper pages but like teen pages. Boy teen pages. Sick! (Alright, so you realize in this paragraph your error of stating that it is cool that North Korea has the bomb, so why not just delete the paragraph before it? Also, Kim Jong-Il himself did not make the bomb. When you ask him who taught him, it makes the United States seem like it is out of touch, especially with your suggestion that an ex-president may have helped. This paragraph then completely loses focus and goes off on a tangent having nothing to do with nuclear weapons. I’m sure Kim Jong-Il is not interested in gossip, especially outdated gossip. For the record, it was an intern, not a ‘cable girl’ with whom President Clinton had an affair. You should also be aware that those in congress are called Congressmen, not ‘congress guys.’)

via CRACKED

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