SKIRMISHER

If you’ve been writing short stories and your editor keeps on telling you, “Your opening lines suck,” then San Jose State University’s annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest might just be your own deus ex machina.

It is a hilarious international literary parody slugfest where not the best are honored, but the worst–that is, you’re good if you have a knack for writing dismal opening lines for an imaginary novel.

This year, judges gave the vote to retired mechanical designer Jim Guigli’s really crappy entry. And we fully quote it here:

“Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you’ve had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.”

Ain’t that a genuine stinker?

Here’s Scotland’s Stuart Vasepuru’s runner-up gem:

“I know what you’re thinking, punk,” hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, “you’re thinking, ‘Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?’ - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel loquacious?’ - well do you, punk?”

Barbara Bridges’s winning entry for Children’s Literature category is also worth mentioning, mainly because it made me cough out my coffee on the keyboard:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe who had so much equity (because our story, dear children, is set in Miami’s hot real estate market) that she upgraded the exterior to blue suede siding as a tribute to her idol, Elvis, moved her kids to a bootee out back, and then reopened the place as the “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” motel (but you’ll have to wait until you’re 18 to read any further).

For the rest of them stinking–but goddamn funny–opening lines, go visit the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2006 Results.

On second thought, maybe I should join, too.

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