Say Yes To Jesus, Get A Free Sony PS3!
Filed under: Humor, Strange Humans
Those fine, classy folks at Landover Baptist is again doing what it once brilliantly did with the PS2: they’re giving away PS3 units in exchange for one little thing: just say yes to Jesus.
I know your ears are fully perked up, especially in these trying pre-Judgment Day times when crazy people either destroy what they have, or destroy for what they don’t have. So here’s a simple list of how to get your free PS3, courtesy of the Son of God Himself:
1. Tell Jesus that you hate your parents, and that you’d rather have Him for your Daddy. Ask Him to forgive your sins, and cover you with His blood (you’ll see plenty of that splattered across your TV when you play your complimentary Grand Theft Auto 3 game!).
2. Find one of your Mom or Dad’s credit cards (a blank check is even better!)
3. Call our church office and we will provide you with simple instructions on how to use your parents’ credit card to charge a love offering over the phone. Don’t worry if you can’t find a credit card. We can teach you how to use one of your daddy’s checks to do an automatic draft withdrawal (which will get you free shipping and an extra game disk!).
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Mention in the scripture Mary. She isolated herself from her family, into an eastern location.While a barrier separated her from them, we sent to her our Spirit. He went to her in the form of a human being.She said, “I seek refuge in the Most Gracious, that you may be righteousHe said, “I am the messenger of your Lord, to grant you a pure son.(jesus)She said, “How can I have a son, when no man has touched me; I have never been unchaste.”He said, “Thus said your Lord, `It is easy for Me. We will render him a sign for the people, and mercy from us. This is a predestined matter.When she bore him, she isolated herself to a faraway placeThe birth process came to her by the trunk of a palm tree. She said, “(I am so ashamed;) I wish I were dead before this happened, and completelyforgotten.”(The infant) called her from beneath her, saying, “Do not grieve. Your Lord has provided you with a streamIf you shake the trunk of this palm tree, it will drop ripe dates for you.Eat and drink, and be happy. When you see anyone, say, `I have made a vow of silence; I am not talking today to anyone.’ She came to her family, carrying him. They said, “O Mary, you have committed something that is totally unexpected.O descendant of Aaron, your father was not a bad man, nor was your mother unchasteShe pointed to him. They said, “How can we talk with an infant in the crib?”(The infant spoke and) said, “I am a servant of GOD. He has given me the scripture, and has appointed me a prophetHe made me blessed wherever I go, and enjoined me to observe the Contact Prayers (Salat) and the obligatory charity (Zakat) for as long as i live.I am to honor my mother; He did not make me a disobedient rebel.And peace be upon me the day I was born, the day I die, and the day I get resurrected.”That was Jesus, the son of Mary, and this is the truth of this matter, about which they continue to doubt.It does not befit GOD that He begets a son, be He glorified. To have anything done, He simply says to it, “Be,” and it is.He also proclaimed, “GOD is my Lord and your Lord; you shall worship Him alone. This is the right path this is the trouth (quoran)