SKIRMISHER

This issue, with spring arriving and Snapper Season just around the corner, I decided to investigate the erectile-dysfunction pills first-hand. Everyone has heard of Viagra, and most men I know have tried it at least a few times — usually to ensure performance in case of heavy drug or alcohol intake, or else to convince their life partner that they’re still attracted to her. “Gosh honey, look how rock-hard I am! And all because of you! Each time is just like the first time with you, honey!”

The easiest way to conduct this “Viagra Challenge” would be to simply pop each pill on different nights and try them out on different girls. But there would be nothing particularly revealing about getting a Viagra-induced erection with a hot young prostitute, or even a girlfriend for that matter.

No, what this Viagra Challenge needed was something that Car & Driver puts its machines through in their consumer tests: extreme, rugged, unbearable conditions. And that meant only one thing: I’d have to test-drive each erectile-dysfunction pill on a grotesquely aging whore. A prostitute so old and washed-up that she hasn’t been able to work the Leningradskoe Shosse tochkas since right around the time that Yeltsin shelled the White House. A whore so far past her expiration date that she’s lucky if she lands a bit part in a bestiality porn, getting banged by a Great Dane named “Rex” for lunch change…

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{Photo: Hookers for Jesus]

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