SKIRMISHER

Lisa Jean Moore (Sperm Counts: Overcome by Man’s Most Precious Fluid) satisfies at least most of your splooge-related concerns, and we’re even throwing some of these shamelessly copied-and-pasted bits as a come-on.

Semen, Moore states, is “a mixture of prostaglandin, fructose, and fatty acids.” Sperm constitutes only 2 to 5 percent of the average ejaculate, which contains between 200 million and 500 million sperm cells and is propelled by the penis at 10 miles per hour. The unofficial distance record for ejaculate is 18 feet, 9 inches, achieved by one Horst Schultz, who also holds the record for greatest height (12 feet, 4 inches). Moore remarks that semen’s scent is sometimes compared to “bleach, household cleanser, or swimming pool water.” Hence the marketing of Semenex ($54.95 for 30 servings), a drink that promises to sweeten the taste of semen for practitioners of oral sex.

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