SKIRMISHER

Because glossy magazines are made of glossy paper, and glossy paper is made with a white clay called kaolin, which happens to have elevated levels of uranium and thorium, consider them radioactive — along with many other everyday consumer products.

But don’t worry; the radioactive level for a single magazine, say one priceless Playboy, is negligible and safe, but if you have a roomful of such magazines — with you jerking off in it — don’t blame anybody else if something green, with claws, and has some uncanny resemblance to Christopher Walken sprouts from your “critical organ.”

Stumble it!