SKIRMISHER

A spate of reports about PC notebooks, PDAs, and other shit and stuff figuring in jaw-dropping spontaneous combustions make us very excited, primarily because none of those things were ever owned by us. So why care?

The wronged consumers, however, were not only baffled, they were also quick in climbing the pulpit to expound brand loyalties: for instance, Boingboing’s Xeni Jardin with her “Dell is Hell” and “I love my Mac” spiel.

But industry insiders and other calm people say devote your nitpicking to these devices’ lithium-ion batteries, which seem to have a tendency to suddenly burst in flames. Very reassuring, especially when I sometimes remember that I have a dozen devices using such lithium-ion batteries on my person. And to make it more colorful, owners of previously non-burning devices were quick to say things like, “We could’ve died, you know.”

The bright side: the Feds now know they can use lithium-ion batteries as a handy means of extracting vital information from suspected terrorists, like maybe by attaching the batteries to the suspect’s nipples and heating them up by running bloatware like Windows Vista. Like Bill Gates always says, there’s always a silver lining.

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