SKIRMISHER

Kenneth Groves is a member of a Neanderthal strain that has survived and currently living in New York, and his latest achievement is the invention of a powerful, child-killing weapon made of frozen meat. Groves accidentally made his invention when he came home one night and found dinner wasn’t ready. As the norm in their formerly dominant human strain, his impulse was to hark back to that long-gone fancy time when Neanderthals and other unwashed proto-humans held sway over the earth by means of exhibiting completely normal caveman-with-an-issue behavior — by screaming at moving objects and throwing food items at everybody.

One of those food items — crucial in this invention — was a piece of frozen meat that hit a 5-year-old girl in the head. The girl is now in a coma after sustaining a fractured skull.

Unfortunately for Groves, he had no time to celebrate his discovery of a new projectile weaponry as he’s now a Homo sapien captive and may never go back to the wild he came from. Although from now on you may see him at a local New York zoo masturbating in public and basically tinkering with his own turd to create more wonderful inventions. So if you have time, swing by at his cell and feel free to thank him by shoving down his throat that delicious brown thing we all call shit.

via LOCAL6

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