SKIRMISHER

Hot pole-vaulting femme fatale Allison Stokke has an angry dad, Al Stokke, and he has been fuming recently over the unwanted, sexually-charged attention her daughter has been getting. But in an apparent karmic flourish, it turns out our brave, hot-daughter-protecting Al Stokke is one fine gentleman whose passion in life is to legally defend the same perverts that are currently sending a massive, steaming, slimy vibe to Allison.

In one fabulous case, Al Stokke successfully defended a cop who jerked off on a “slutty” stripper:

When the case went to trial, however, defense attorney Al Stokke argued that Park wasn’t responsible for making sticky all over the woman’s sweater. He insisted that she made the married patrolman make the mess—after all, she was on her way home from work as a dancer at Captain Cream Cabaret.

“She got what she wanted,” said Stokke. “She’s an overtly sexual person.”

A jury of one woman and 11 men—many white and in their 50s or 60s—agreed with Stokke. On Feb. 2, after a half-day of deliberations, they found Park not guilty of three felony charges that he’d used his badge to win sexual favors during the December 2004 traffic stop.

Of course, we don’t mean to say that Allison deserves all the dead kittens coming from all those anonymous folks jerking off to her image, but it’s wickedly fun to picture her father in his darkened living room, sobbing over some old Southpark episode with a huge bag of Cheetos, wishing to the Devil to let him turn back the time to those moments he was looking at videotaped gang rape and thought getting ass-raped in your sleep is not offensive because, as the old sages say, if you don’t feel it, does it fucking matter?

Stumble it!