SKIRMISHER

Marilou Díaz-Abaya and César Montano are about to make a film about the colorful life of nouveau hero Ninoy Aquino. But I heard that there would be two more Ninoy films that might be shown next year. If that’s the case, maybe it won’t hurt if somebody would make a fourth one.

I have a suggestion. But this one I have in mind is a bit ambitious than the rest, since it will involve not actors but politicians.

Too many films about Kris Aquino’s Big Deal or No Big Deal dad might result in overkill, killing potential audiences. So why not create a unique one? Use politicians, not actors, as cast for this dream film I’m talking about. 

Yup, instead of using actors, some big time producer with a vision for our country’s dying film industry must commit himself/herself to setting aside a big budget to pay for these politicians. I guarandamntee you, this would be a huge attraction in the box office. And nobody would even dare pirate the movie since the actors are politicians. And these politicians would move heaven and earth in order for that not to happen.

Aside from that, the film should be surreal, experimental, theatrical, something that would suspend one’s disbelief, something kayfabe because Ninoy’s death is still shrouded in mystery.

If any producer’s interested, here, in a jiffy, is my dream cast…

1. Instead of using a male politician to portray former strongman Ferdinand Marcos, why not recruit a female? Pseudo-, err, current president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is the perfect choice, what with all the human rights abuse and corruption that’s happening all around her. Indeed, her regime is reminiscent of that of Marcos’. And much worse even. Of course, a big budget would be needed for her talent fee coz she’s a bit broke, especially since she has spent most of our, I mean her, money during the last elections which she “gloriously” won. Besides, her acting prowess was already tested not only when she guested in a teen-oriented show in ABS-CBN a few years ago; millions of Filipinos were captivated in her award-winning “I’m sorry” performance in reference to her controversial but best-selling album “Hello Garci” (in a high-profile duet with National Prank Artist for MuSick, Virgilio Garcillano) that was released by Ring Tone Records last year.

2. Imelda Marcos’s persona is so colorful nobody could really best portray her (well, there’s Tessa Prieto-Valdés, but she’s no politician). But movie, as in fiction, is an imitation of life. And nobody could best imitate her than the First Gentleman himself, José Miguel “Mike” Arroyo. Just ask Alan Peter Cayetano. And instead of using countless shoes and handbags, the film can use hundreds of Marvel Comics’ Spider-Man (Mike’s nuts about him). Mike even has a copy of Spidey’s first appearance in Amazing Fantasy #15 (1962). It costs more or less $50,000, more than enough to rehabilitate countless impoverished barangays in the country. Tsk. With great bucks comes great comic book investments.

3. And who would portray Gen. Fabián Ver, ¿a ver? Aaaah, a pretty stupid question. Jovito Palparán’s already retired (from the public eye and scrutiny, that is); he’s got lots of freetime (in the meantime) to shoot (no pun intended) a flick. The film could get no slicker than that, Dick.

4. Who could best play the part of Tita Cory, the bastion, the fulcrum, the symbol of the original EDSA fiesta? Unfortunately, Kris Aquino’s not a politician (but according to my crystal ball, I do see her as –gasp!– a senator a few years from now). Perhaps we can use the talents of Ninoy’s sister Teresa Aquino-Oreta. Hello? If she can dance, she can act – just look at the careers of erstwhile dancers Wowee de Guzmán and Spencer Reyes. Where are they now? Don’t bother to answer.

5. In the US remake of Godzilla, the tagline was “Size Does Matter.” And so it is, too, in this movie. The little senator Juan Flavier can easily mimick little general Fidel Ramos’ awkward victory leap. Besides, like little Arroyo, Flavier has appeared in numerous TV commercials advocating his safe-fuck program back when he was little secretary of the Department of Health. And remember his cameo appearance in little Ogie Alcásid’s film with big Michelle van Eimeren? Anyway, if Flavier won’t be available for the filming, Ramos can still act as himself. The acting would be natural, then. Besides, he’s currently plotting Arroyo’s downfall, the same way he betrayed Marcos in ‘86 (surprised? abañgán na láng ang súsunod na cabanatà. And remember, faithful reader, you first heard of this scoop right here in THE SKIRMISHER).

6. The film won’t be complete without a cardinal sin. I say, the eighth cardinal sin would be made flesh in the person of Eli Soriano. Instead of using Radio Veritas, Soriano can use his TV show Ang Dating Daan to “ferociously” exhort the populace to go against Arroyo. Yes, you read that right, buster: ferociously. Just like in his TV program, Soriano has the potential to elicit “memorable lines” a la Ben Tulfo in this dream film. On the TV show, he can pound his desk on and on while mouthing his usual verbal conflagrations: “I hearken you to go forth to EDSA and protect the rebel forces, you spineless sinners! You will incur the wrath of God if you don’t listen to my Biblical memorandum. Yes, everything I say is Biblically inspired, so don’t you fuckin’ dare go against the will of my lord. Frankly, I don’t give a crap if you get squashed by the military’s battle tanks. Remember this: our planet will not last for two decades more, so why save your useless lives?! D’you hear? We’re all doomed! So what the heck? Go outside your homes, bring your children with you, put on a happy face, and face Arroyo’s firepower! If you don’t heed my call, then confound you, foolish brethren! CONFOUND YOU! BURN IN HELL!!! Amen?”

Amen.

7. And last but not the least, bring back the starlets! What Pinoy film would be complete without a filling of sex in it?

There have been silent whispers among a few historians that Ninoy was supplied by Juan Ponce Enrile with hookers when he was incarcerated in Fort Bonifacio. Indeed, these starlets will truly resurrect (if not re-erect) Philippine moviedom. Besides, didn’t they help resuscitate the movie industry by making pitó-pitó films back when the business was on its dying throes? Now it’s local filmdom’s chance to pay these starlets back what they owe them, by including them in this nationalistic film. That is, if they haven’t given birth yet, or if they already did but they don’t have “Kung fu” stretch marks on their bellies and are still in “whack me, baby” form. “Bring them back!” That should be the new EDSA chant! Bring them back – Ynez Veneración, Alma Soriano, Klaudia Koronel, Nini Jacinto, Ángela Vélez, Ana Capri…

Hey, waiddaminute. Who would play Ninoy’s part?

Well, look no further… what do we have Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III for? And who knows? One of those starlets might finally give him a child that the media has been clamoring from him.

Let Teofisto Guingona direct the film. According to Francisco “Kit” Tátad, he used to act in stage plays (once as Hamlet).

And the title of the movie?

Ninoy Aquino, Superstar.

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