SKIRMISHER

Buster Martin, shown here letting the photographer have a nice sniff of his powerful ingrown-toenail-haven magic foot, is 100 years old, but he recently showed a gang of nasty teenagers what Chuck Norris would do to a bag of unboiled peanuts.

Mr Martin, a car washer-cum-mechanic for a plumbing firm, said: ‘They just came at me and pushed me against a wall and tried to take my money from me.

‘Then they pushed me on the floor and I went mad. I was lashing out on the floor and then I stood up and was kicking them all.

‘I pushed one and kung fu kicked the other one between the legs and he let out a scream. They ran off scared after I did that and I still had all my money.’

Buster says the secrets to his impeccable kung fu moves and his ability to quickly transform into a man-balls-smashing, whirling potentially lethal old person are “the odd daily pint, a walk to the library and press-ups”. You can probably read that as “do absolutely nothing of importance, and you can become as hot as me.” We believe there’s an astounding wisdom there, we’re just not sure which toilet it got flushed.

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