SKIRMISHER

* First, AP says Paris Hilton cares about drunken elephants. Then AP comes to its senses (with some nudge from Paris Hilton’s publicist) and retracts and says Paris doesn’t actually care about alcoholic pachyderms and would be happy to go on with her drunken-elephant-free life, thank you very much. Coz, you know, all Paris wants is to pole-dance in peace. Fuck you, AP.

* Hackers can create entire networks from computers they’ve taken over without the owners’ knowledge. These are called botnets or “zombie computers”. Stephen King, are you listening?

* The noble art of “farting on command” is right up there next to Godliness.

* The hilarious shit a Christian website would say about evolution: “Antibiotic resistance isn’t evolution in action because, hey, did the bacteria grow arms? And nose hair? And Christian versions of itself?”

* Habbo Hotel is the crime scene of a furniture theft. A 17-year-old teen has been arrested. The theft is virtual but the perpetrator is real; all you need is your own personal Mr Anderson.

* Justo Padron flees from cops and jumps straight into an alligator’s mouth.

* Les Paul Robot Guitar tunes itself so you can sound like your idol Jimi Hendrix. Hot groupie virginity-eschewing chicks not included.

* LOLCalendar. It’s like LOLcat, with lots of numbers on them.

* Mangrove Rivulus, a type of small tropical killifish, can live months out of water so it’s probably actually a dog.

Stumble it!