SKIRMISHER

For starters, the German toilet was scientifically designed to let your dung smile back at you and fill you with that warm glow of self-satisfaction.

I do not understand the purpose of this toilet. It does not save water - you must flush it eight or ten times to remove every last scrape and smear. It is not hygienic - the smell is ungodly. The only conceivable explanation is that Germans love to inspect their stool, so the German toilet of necessity features a built-in stool inspection shelf. I wouldn’t be surprised if the more expensive models include a digital scale: “Mein Gott, zwei kilogram!” exclaims Günter, joyful and relieved.

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