SKIRMISHER

From the Abstract:
Since Time immemorial, man has sought to explain the powers of KalEl, a.k.a. Superman. Siegel et al. Supposed that His mighty strength stems from His origin on another planet whose density and as a result, gravity, was much higher than our own. Natural selection on the planet of krypton would therefore endow Kal [...]

My First Dictionary is either shit-in-your-pants very funny, or it’s the most depressing dictionary you’ve seen since the invention of blogging.

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i have come into the possession of my great grandfathers life work, among being a decorated aeronautical engineer it would appear he dabbled in the lesser accepted sciences. i have almost finished building his masterpiece a 1952 nash rambler time machine. unfortunately my grandfather didn’t live long enough to find an energy source with high [...]

These were from an 1881 publication.

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Somebody saw this “awesome” profile reply on Match.com, and it just gotta be totally preserved.
I noticed you checked out my profile, which was probably the smartest thing you’ve ever done. I’m not trying to be arrogant, but looking around on Match there isn’t many guys as sweet as me. I’ve got an ass I can [...]

Finally, someone says it as it is.
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Somebody reviewing the China Sea Chinese Fastfood sounds like the actual Chinese restaurant owner, even has the broken English grammar for that authentic Chinese restaurant owner feeling!

I am a 70 year old woman and I just happened across this big penis book in my son’s room. My son is 45 years old and still single. I think he might be gay. That said, his big penis book is now in my room under my bed. So now my 45 year old [...]

In a “stunt” you normally thought only Larry Flynt would have the dick to do, Playboy released its Mexican version’s December 2008 issue with a nude Virgin Mary on the cover. Well, not actually nude, but the inside pages are. A “hot” Virgin Mary — now our penis is confused.
To see the actual pics of [...]

This previously confidential Vatican document detailing how to proceed with cases of “solicitation,” which is Vatican-speak for “fucking altar boys in da azz when their mothers aren’t looking,” is so juicy we couldn’t resist reading and re-reading that part about making the offending clergy vanish in a cloud of smoke and incense, just like magick!
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Merriam-Webster has “bailout” as the Word of the Year 2008. Wait till WTFbailout catches up.

This sex education book for first-graders in China features vagina, vagina, vagina, testicles talking to each other, Mr condom-on-penis wearing shades, vagina, vagina. Oh, did we mention vagina?
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While we were on the farm, my grandparents, mother, and I would take two weeks out of the summer to go on family vacations. I can still remember my first trip out of Florida. It was to the state of Florida. My first grade year we went to the grand canyon, my first grade teacher [...]

I enter a hotel room. Somebody obscenely rich is having a cocktail party. Nobody’s there that I know. This bothers me for a few moments, until I realize why: everyone’s face is a huge, pink vagina.
I approach a gentleman in a suit, whose face is of course a huge vagina. I try to make conversation. [...]

When running in the park on a hot day, do not take off your shirt if you are a really hairy sonofabitch.
From “40 unwritten rules to live by.”
{Image: A really hairy sonofabitch, National Geographic}

“How it may appear a hundred years hence, when modern inventions have been carried to their highest point of development that even Edison would feel jealous of the great inventions in the year 2001. In the year 2001 you will see sky-scrapers sticking far above the clouds over 200 stories high. On the streets there [...]

Hi. I’m a professional screenwriter. Professional in the sense that I pay my bills with money someone gives me in exchange for writing them a movie, such as the esteemed milestones National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 1, 2 and 3. “Professional,” bytheby, is also the term seasoned Johns use for whores. So I’ve overheard.
As a sexy [...]