Category Archives: Sacred Cows

How To Get Laid Using The Magic Word “Jesus”

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The toughest part is, all of your holiness is really getting in the way of my porno titfuck fantasy of you. I mean, I really want to do this, it’s completely absorbing my thoughts lately, but I feel like Jesus is standing between me and my desire to make love to your breasts. I can almost see his face right in your cleavage saying, No! You will not fuck these titties, non-believer!

So, since nobody really knows what Jesus would do anyway, I’m enlisting the Son of God to get me on your tits. And here’s my plan: I’m going to play along with your Jesus land fantasy for a bit, and slowly convince you that, yes, Jesus wants us to get freaky. Any act that inspires you to yell his name in ecstasy HAS to be god’s will. So, baby, let’s fuck for Jesus.

[Continue reading the awesome tutorial, "Jesus wants you to fuck me"]

Holy Shit, Batman, It’s The Super Virgin Mary!

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Super virgin Mary

No, French artist Soasig Chamailard doesn’t see you as a bitch, so you can’t accuse him of trying to fuck you. What he does, he says, is “that I don’t use Holy Marie as my subject to shock a catholic public. I like to play with icons like a children with his toys.”

Exactly his words.

Rebel Nuns Kicked Out Of Polish Convent

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Rebel nuns

After two years of engaging in “hard crime” — which basically involved not listening to the Voice of God, aka, the Vatican, along with some flagrant use of evil things like electric guitars — 65 very bad nuns were finally kicked out of the Polish convent Kazmierz Dolny in eastern Poland.

“They were disobedient,” said Mieczyslaw Puzewicz, a spokesman for the Lublin diocese of the Roman Catholic Church. And by the tone of that, it’s almost certain the nuns are going to be spanked very, very hard.

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The Catholic League Posts Photos Of Gay Leather Fetish Festival

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Photos of gay people in leather whips and chains have been posted on Catholic Online. Why would the Catholic League do that? Because they’re all proudly gay, of course! What do you think priests and altar boys do when it’s not Sunday? Actually, those were snapshots of the Folsom Street Festival, which everybody knows ceases to be a gay leather fetish festival after it has received the Catholic two-thumbs-up.

Folsom Street Festival

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Mother Theresa’s “Atheistic Letters” Make Her An Awesome Candidate As The First Atheist Saint

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Mother Theresa

Nothing could stop Rev. Brian Kolodiejchuk from pushing for Mother Theresa’s sainthood — not even her letters that showed her “lack of faith.”

Apparently, Mother Theresa herself was wracked by doubts that would make good-lookin’ atheists everywhere yell, “PWNED!”

In a new book that compiles letters she wrote to friends, superiors and confessors, her doubts are obvious.

Shortly after beginning work in Calcutta’s slums, the spirit left Mother Teresa.

“Where is my faith?” she wrote. “Even deep down… there is nothing but emptiness and darkness… If there be God — please forgive me.”

Eight years later, she was still looking to reclaim her lost faith.

“Such deep longing for God… Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal,” she said.

As her fame increased, her faith refused to return. Her smile, she said, was a mask.

“What do I labor for?” she asked in one letter. “If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.”

Says Rev. Kolodiejchuk, the letters’ content only make her case stronger for sainthood. Which inspires us to ask a completely relevant question: What the hell is going on?
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Hey Lazy Churchgoers, May We Interest You With A $15 Bribe Called The “iSermon”?

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iSermon

David Hughes, pastor of the Church by the Glades, has cooked up an “iThemed strategy” to lure people into attending church: first-timers filling out a “connection card” during the next three weekends receive a $15 iTunes gift card. The series of sermons is called “i: Successful Living in a Self-Absorbed World.” It’s what Jesus would do.

And God Said, “Oh, Shut The Fuck Up!”

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Hailu Kidane Marian was selling religious materials in Miami when a lightning struck him on a sunny Sunday — most probably from a rival god.

Hailu Kidane Marian was working with members of his religious group, selling religious materials door-to-door in a Northwest Miami-Dade neighborhood, when the bolt from the blue struck him down.

“I heard a boom, and I looked and the guy jumped back, and he just laid there, stiff,” said witness Maria Martinez.

Paramedics say Marian was not breathing and his heart was not beating when they arrived, but they were able to revive him and rushed him to Jackson Memorial hospital, where he was in critical condition Sunday night.

Members of his religious group waited outside the hospital throughout the night for word of his condition.

“He’s unconscious, he’s in a coma,” said Francisco Perez, leader of the Puerto Rico-based group. “It’s difficult what happened, you know, but what can we do? Things happen in life, but we still believe in God.”

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The “Anti-God” Starbucks Cup

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Starbucks’ “The Way I See It” campaign is about collecting people’s opinion and printing the most “thoughtful” of them on the side of a Starbucks cup. One of which is the “anti-God” message below that got this Ohio woman’s blood boiling.

“Why in moments of crisis do we ask God for strength and help? As cognitive beings, why would we ask something that may well be a figment of our imaginations for guidance? Why not search inside ourselves for the power to overcome? After all, we are strong enough to cause most of the catastrophes we need to endure.”

Now the woman, Michelle Incanno, no longer feels like going back to a Starbucks that seems to treat the beings she loves as a “figment of our imagination.” She’d rather have someone else retrieve her favorite large, house-brewed coffee with nonfat milk and two Splenda, and have the tasty caffeinated beverage exorcised by a priest before ever drinking it.

God Calls, Tells Vatican To Revise Some Corny Stuff About Limbo

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In a 41-page document, titled “The Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die Without Being Baptized,” authorized by Pope Benedict XVI for publication earlier this year, the Vatican’s International Theological Commission said “there are good reasons to hope that babies who die without being baptized go to heaven.”

The church continues to teach that, because of original sin, baptism is the ordinary way of salvation for all people and urges parents to baptize infants, the document said.

But there is greater theological awareness today that God is merciful and “wants all human beings to be saved,” it said. Grace has priority over sin, and the exclusion of innocent babies from heaven does not seem to reflect Christ’s special love for “the little ones,” it said.

“Our conclusion is that the many factors that we have considered … give serious theological and liturgical grounds for hope that unbaptized infants who die will be saved and enjoy the beatific vision,” the document said.

We seriously wonder if it mentions anything about “unbaptized” ejaculates.