Ah, shoes that smell like the dead. Often the bane of polite society, the smelliness of shoes is of course caused by you having an actual nose. But since you can’t live with that important body part, we go applying the solution on the shoes. Hey, did you know you can freshen it up by placing it overnight in the freezer, right next to the dinner fish and hotdogs and ice cream? Hell, yeah.
Hugh Hefner knows how much you’d kill to be in his pussy-humping shoes. He knows that so much that he doesn’t care his autobiography, released in September, is sold for $1300, which is like the value of a billion zillion actual Playboy magazines combined. Or three relatively cheap laptops. Or a surrogate grandmother who can occupy your porch and tell you stories while you stare at goats. But back to Hef’s autobio: it comes in six volumes, with 700 pages of “autobiographical text about Hef’s youth, army days, first attempts as a cartoonist, early career, girlfriends, and Playboy’s launch, illustrated by original Hefner artwork and cartoons, correspondence, and a huge selection of archival photos, many previously unpublished.” And who knows, maybe hidden in the folds of one of those 1500 limited edition copies is Hef’s advice on, uhh, true love!
Buy a forest. Adopt 8 midget babies every year (mixed race). Be the only non-midget around and raise them to think you’re their god.
[there's a midget for every party need, don't forget!]
link: Midget Village
Ever wondered how much people paid to have someone killed a hundred years ago?
Having a concrete block broken on your chest while lying sandwiched between two beds of nails usually elicits three different questions: Why one can lie on the bed of nails, what happens to the kinetic energy of the hammer, and what happens to the momentum of the hammer? The reason that one can lie on the bed of nails has to do with the difference between force and pressure. The nails are spaced about two centimeters apart, and hence when I lie flat a sufficient number of them support me such that no one nail has to press on my body particularly hard. I would estimate that for the bed of nails I use, made from a thousand nails, at least 150 nails support my 150 lb. weight. So even if my weight is not quite evenly distributed, no nail pushes on me with much more than 2.5 lbs. of force and that is not uncomfortable. The bed I use is made from aluminum gutter spikes, and as purchased the points of these are somewhat blunted. This is done by the manufacturer so that the spikes will not split a wooden board if driven into one. This does make for a more comfortable bed than if sharper steel nails are used. Particular care needs to be taken when getting on and off the bed, and I have seen side rails added to a bed to aid in this procedure.
When the concrete block is broken, the kinetic energy of the sledgehammer goes into causing the block’s destruction, ultimately warming the pieces, and the momentum of the hammer is passed through the prone person to the earth. The person swinging the sledge hammer needs to hit the block with sufficient force to shatter it, but not so hard that the hammer has a significant amount of energy left after the initial impact. It is quite possible for an adult to hit the block too hard, as I found out when an enthusiastic and strong gym teacher hit a block as hard as he could. All the breath was knocked from me and I had a matrix of puncture wounds on my chest and back. A tetanus shot saw me fine that day, and since then only my wife breaks the block. She practiced just breaking blocks on the ground many times before breaking them on me. Three-section blocks should be placed lengthwise on the top board whereas two-section blocks are best stood on end. I prefer two- section blocks as they shatter nicely.
[such passion is very, very rare]
Here is an awesome list of EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE curse words, in 20 different languages, that you can memorize to, well, make people beat the crap out of you anywhere you go. Handy!
So you’re in love with your friend, who has a boyfriend, and there’s little to no chance of her having sex with you. Here’s the ninja-est thing you must do.
You can add “starter fluid” and “matches” in your cross-country survival kit, if they’re not already.
[flickrvideo]http://www.flickr.com/photos/grahamichael/3424465147/[/flickrvideo]
Using only a bunch of common tools and any webcam, you can make a nifty spy camera that you can even monitor remotely over the internet, via browser.
Here are the simple ninja instructions.
About time you did something manly.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ye28n_aJspA[/youtube]
A friend pointed me to this self-publishing site, where someone (supposedly) named Fotie Photenhauer has taken it upon themselves to write Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes. The book includes ideas such as filling empty oyster shells with semen for “man-made oysters” and stuffing crepes with a mixture of cottage cheese, sugar and semen.
This “educated monkey” is a neat assistant in learning the multiplication table the easiest way.
[vimeo]http://vimeo.com/3149012[/vimeo]
She might seem outwardly doing innocent cat stuff, but your cat might be a bad motherfucking out to whack you when you least expect it. Here’s the ninja list of signs your cat is planning to kill you.
You can also call this trick “How to get laid for all eternity.” No shit!
