SKIRMISHER

Erstwhile gadget evangelist-turned-blogger of all things manly Joel Johnson swung by the other day at his old haunt at Gizmodo. And instead of giving us “warm hugs and kisses,” like all normal people do, he puked his lunch into everyone’s lemonade and splashed vitriol at people’s faces. And they loved him for that. That’s priceless.
Johnson said:

“And you guys just ate it up. Kept buying shitty phones and broken media devices green and dripping with DRM. You broke the site, clogging up the pipe like retarded salmon, to read the latest announcements of the most trivial jerk-off products, completely ignoring the stories about technology actually making a difference to real human beings, because you wanted a new chromed robot turd to put in your pocket to impress your friends and make you forget for just a few minutes, blood coursing as you tremblingly cut through the blister pack, that your life is utterly void of any lasting purpose.

And for god’s sake, Gizmodo, stop giving this stuff such a free pass. Stop using terminology that they’ve programmed into you by puking it into your eyeballs via press release after press release. What is this “unleashes” horseshit, Deleon? You’re not in marketing. Don’t write like you are. This is obviously a not a real product, Frucci. Did you even read the site you linked? Are you actually writing boosterism-filled copy about products that don’t actually exist? Oh my god, Wilson, you’re writing about that house-printing machine? I wrote about that almost three years ago. (You get a slight pass because I couldn’t find my old link in Google because of Gawker’s inexplicable “Wheel O’ Permalink Syntax,” but still, you guys are supposed to be well-versed experts about technology. You should know about this stuff. The C in “Gizmodo” is for “some fucking context,” which you should provide, even if you only get paid per cock joke.)

The post’s comment thread is even more amusing to watch, like watching old people eating their own dead toenails. The “retarded salmons” are thanking His Royal Highness (HRH) Joel Johnson for serving them the blogpost equivalent of a feudal lord kicking the shit out of peasants, thanking the HRH to high heavens for gracing them with his presence and cattle prod, not necessarily in that order. Hurt them some more, babe, and it will grow old quickly. And by then you’ll be reaching again for that sack of cute kittens to abuse at your leisure, and write about it on Dethroner. Be glad Gizmodo is usually, naturally and will always be a haven for retarded salmons; at least they taste good when cooked in the right way.

Oh, was that just merely “figuratively speaking”?

Stumble it!