What exactly is a planet?

This may sound a ridiculous question, but I assure you it’s serious. So serious that hordes of astronomers are in Prague right at this very moment to debate on the subject of Pluto’s status as a planet.

The question, “What is a planet?” is currently right up there along with other recently fashionable questions like, “Is google a verb?“, “Oh my God, y’all, Bush reads?” and “Why did Sploid ‘xplode?”

The highly controversial new definition, proposed by the International Astronomical Union, has simple terms: anything that is round BUT small is a “dwarf planet”; anything that is the size of pluto and even smaller is a planet, only it’s called “pluton”.

This is maybe some sort of compromise between those who don’t want to “demote” Pluto into non-planet status, and those who take a look at Pluto’s moon Charon and whimper, “Poor small, icy-cold heavenly object. Isn’t she cute? Can’t we do something like make her a planet?”

The new definition also somehow puts in a questionable position other round heavenly objects that are sufficiently big (like our very own moon, which is bigger than Pluto), or those other huge moons circling ’round the gas giants. If Charon is pluton, then our moon is pluton. Who’s going to pay now for the reprinting of all those textbooks?

If the smart guys would ask me, I’d say, ditch the whole planet thing and use a shiny, brand new term. Instead of “planet”, why not just use the word “God-booger” to refer to heavenly bodies of questionable status?

It’s like the classic answer to classic questions such as, “Who created the universe?” God. “Why do all those Sri Lankan kids have to die?” It’s God’s will.

Now, “What is that, a planet or what?” It’s God-booger. “What are those two topless astronauts doing there in the backseat of the pod?” It’s a God-booger thing. No more questions.

So very clever.