SKIRMISHER

I couldn’t stop laughing over this thing found at McSweeney’s. Guns ‘n’ Roses was big when I was a teener in the early 1990s, and I never really got to analyzing how ridiculous the lyrics of most of the band’s songs, which I thought were just part of being “cool.” The idea was that as long as it’s a rock band with a drug habit and questionable behavior that sings songs about love and friendship, it’s not cloying or corny; we still treated it as the “edge” in “cutting edge.” Heck, even Nirvana got away with lyrics that don’t even make sense a bit, and yet, youngsters loved them.

John Moe at McSweeney’s playfully cuts down to size a classic GNR song, “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” and succeeds hilariously how the song contradicts itself at turns, and is just plain lousy once you get past the cool melodic intro.

• She’s got a smile that, it seems to me—Why equivocate? You weaken your point by framing this as a mere personal observation instead of a fact.
• Reminds me of childhood memories—Redundant. You either have a memory or you’re reminded of something. You’re not reminded of a memory. Heavy-metal fans won’t stand for such writing, my friend.
• Where everything was as fresh as a bright blue sky—I asked around the office and no one is sure a blue sky is “fresh.” You could have a blue sky at the end of a long, sweaty day and there would be nothing fresh about it. And she reminds you of a time when things were fresh? Fond reminiscences of freshness are no foundation for love. Fix.
• Now and then when I see her face it takes me away to that special place—Again, you’re weakening your own argument. Why does the sight of her face transport you only periodically? And is it just her smile or her entire face that does this to you? Because you’ve already said both. Consistency, Axl!
• And if I stared too long, I’d probably break down and cry—Why would you do that? Because you miss the freshness you described earlier? I think the whole “fresh” thing is really tripping you up. Also, crying? Wimpy.

Now that I think about it, mass murderer Charles Manson’s song, “Look At Your Game, Girl” (which comes at the far, almost hidden end of the Spaghetti Incident album) is surprisingly much “saner” and more sensitive than most GNR songs. Creepy.

Notes on “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” as Delivered to Axl Rose by His Editor [McSweeney's]

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