SKIRMISHER

First, shut up already.

Oh, I forgot. You don’t actually speak. You just mumble and grunt and press that red button with the label, “To America With Love.” Or something like that in Korean language.

But you should know that I’m reading the papers since yesterday and as far as I see it, your missiles seem as stupid as your economic planners. To be frank, compared with you, I don’t mind if it’s the US that’s testing nukes; at least they do it in remote places and they have more reliable fellows there. But doing your missile thing here, with all of us your close Asian neighbors, you’re practically like farting in an elevator. Hello?

My point is accuracy and reliability. Because, you know, I’m in the Philippines, specifically in Quezon City. And Quezon City, as everybody knows, is only five feet away from North Korea. So what happens if one of your stupid missiles–that have the tendency to explode so untimely and more erratic than a teener having his first sex–drops on my friggin’ head? What do I do, then? Spit on you? Tell your hairdresser to give you a really bad hair day? Stomp on your pet puppy until it gives up the ghost?

Realize that you’re not cute. No, not at all. Manny Pacquiao is cute. Bentong is cute. I’m sure your tiny little penis is cute. But you? No. You’re a horrible dinosaur who would not just friggin’ die even if it’s been millions of years since the Jurrasic era ended. This phallic thing with your missiles is really going over the top. You’re not impressing anybody. The people you could impress have been impressed with you for decades; they’re in fact sooo impressed they’ve been dying to emigrate to the South for so many years.

So please, let’s cut the crap. If you want “real war,” and I know you’re only after America’s and Japan’s asses, why not stuff your missiles in your jute backpack and trek to Washington or Tokyo and do your tricks there? Yeah, isn’t it a sound idea? Instead of you holing up in God knows which cave in the Korean Peninsula, you should ask Bush for a duel or a guild war in World of Warcraft or, to be fair with Korean technology, let’s use Ragnarok.

Or you could sneak into the White House, hide in a bush (pardon the pun), and just as Bush is passing by, jump out, pounce on him, and squeeze his balls so hard until he cries and says…

Okay, I wouldn’t know what Bush would say. Maybe he’d just glare in blank space, like what he did during Katrina and 9/11. But my point is, be a man.

Be a maaaan, bastard! And shut up, already.

Oh, I forgot. You don’t actually speak.

[By Gaius, with "slight" editing by JB]

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