SKIRMISHER

Steve Jobs, Jesusphone superpeddler, stares in the mirror this morning and somehow the reflection tries to rape him in the ass. Just like magic. And a eureka moment, too — so that’s how it feels getting fucked?

So he drops the $100 sweetfruit to appease those whose delicate early-adopter sensibilites have been thoroughly offended by making the iPhone cheap enough to be buy-able by just about — the horror! — everyone! So what happens now with the precious Apple-superproduct ownership smugness? It breaks people’s hearts, you know.

Here’s Stevie’s redacted spiel:

First, I am sure that we are making the correct decision to lower the price of the 8GB iPhone from $599 to $399, and that now is the right time to do it. iPhone is a breakthrough product, and we have the chance to ‘go for it’ this holiday season. iPhone is so far ahead of the competition, and now it will be affordable by even more customers. It benefits both Apple and every iPhone user to get as many new customers as possible in the iPhone ‘tent’. We strongly believe the $399 price will help us do just that this holiday season.

Second, being in technology for 30+ years I can attest to the fact that the technology road is bumpy. There is always change and improvement, and there is always someone who bought a product before a particular cutoff date and misses the new price or the new operating system or the new whatever. This is life in the technology lane. If you always wait for the next price cut or to buy the new improved model, you’ll never buy any technology product because there is always something better and less expensive on the horizon. The good news is that if you buy products from companies that support them well, like Apple tries to do, you will receive years of useful and satisfying service from them even as newer models are introduced.

Therefore, we have decided to offer every iPhone customer who purchased an iPhone from either Apple or AT&T, and who is not receiving a rebate or any other consideration, a $100 store credit towards the purchase of any product at an Apple Retail Store or the Apple Online Store. Details are still being worked out and will be posted on Apple’s website next week. Stay tuned.

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